


november 27th

by blushings



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Mentions of Anxiety, Mentions of Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-28 00:06:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15696147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blushings/pseuds/blushings
Summary: Birthdays aren't always happy.





	november 27th

**Author's Note:**

> in my opinion this is long overdue (i came up with this the day of chanyeol's 25th birthday in 2016...and its 2018) so _please_ pretend its still 2016 and wow! i posted this on time fjgkfdgh. for this fic i kind of vented on how i was feeling on things during that time in 2016 and kind of now in 2018... even though it's a sad fic, i hope you enjoy

He remembers when he’d be walking home with Kyungsoo, the way the younger would grip his arm to yank him back from walking in front of a driving car. Chanyeol wasn’t paying attention; he was talking about his most recent song and how he finally figured out what was wrong with the pattern of the strings he was playing on his guitar. He wasn’t looking up, paying attention to his surroundings.

Kyungsoo tried making the topic seem lighter by joking, “You always do this… It’s like you have a death wish or something.”

Chanyeol shrugged at the time, not really wanting to talk about it. He smiled though to make it seem like things were okay.

He also remembers the faces his members had when he said on Star Show 360, _“I cried at dawn...alone in my car.”_  He starts recalling the day he mentioned on the show. It was so late at night—or was it too early in the morning? That part he doesn’t really remember—but he was at the studio, overworking himself because he couldn’t get that fucking dance move right. He wasn’t as graceful as Yixing, wasn’t as emotional as Jongin, wasn't as smooth as Sehun. The failure of getting the movements right kept nagging at him, saying, _you’ll never get it right, you’ll never get it right_  over and over again until he finally fell from exhaustion and he was hyperventilating, trying to get some air into his lungs. It wasn’t working; his breathing wasn’t regulating and he felt the all too familiar sensation of heaviness within his chest then his tear ducts as he knew the tears were building up.

_You’re a fuck up; you can’t ever get things right. You can’t even stay up on your own two feet._  His own mind worked against him, feeding him the destructive thoughts.

Chanyeol rose to his feet, gathering his items before heading out the door to leave the studio. He reached his car, putting his bag in the back and settled into the driver’s seat. After buckling himself in, he looked up at the rearview mirror. The sight of eye bags, of exhaustion, on his face made the heavy feeling in his chest weigh down further because even though he hadn’t perfected the dance move, he’s leaving the dance studio way too fucking late— _early_ —in the morning. He was still trying to calm himself down by trying to breathe carefully. _In through the nose, out through the mouth._  His eyes fluttered shut as he tried to steady his breathing, but he felt his lip tremble and his jaw wasn’t helping as it also was jittering in place. No longer being able to hold it in, he started crying.

His hands were on his face, trying to wipe away streaming tears, but the tightness and weight in his chest made him recall all the mishaps he had recently: accidentally spilling his manager’s fresh and expensive coffee all over the floor, saying the wrong words to Minseok and making him feel insecure, waking up and showing up late to practice.

The guilt in his chest grew as he wept. He didn’t want to remember it all, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help remembering the way he felt during his teenage years, sitting at home with a handful of pain medication and a glass of water to help chase it all down and put him in a deep sleep and never wake up.

 

And now, on his twenty-fifth birthday as he gets prepped and ready for the concert that night, the thoughts and memories from the past few months and years run through his head. The same sadness sits in his chest, all cozied up and ready to break him whenever it pleases.

After he pulls his shirt over his head, he feels a tap on his shoulder. To his left is Junmyeon with a smile on his face. “Happy birthday, you’re catching up to us.”

Chanyeol smiles then notices the glass of water Junmyeon is giving to him. “Stay hydrated.” Then he leaves to probably getting finished ready himself. He does drink the water and his throat relaxes at the cold liquid refreshing him. He thinks back to how Junmyeon greeted him this morning: he was the first and so far only one. Do the others remember?

Chanyeol scoffs to himself; of course, they remember because Baekhyun and Jongdae would not shut up about it in the previous month, chanting,  _"Chanyeol is an old man now!”_  But then his face droops as he wonders if they care anymore that it is his birthday. He told them in advance he doesn’t want anything special—which is true, because he just wanted to do the concerts and get it over with.

With a quick chug of his water, he finishes getting ready and takes his glass to the kitchen to do the dishes. He doesn’t want to think about anything related to how the others care about him or his birthday, so he does his best to distract himself with scrubbing his mostly clean cup and a few leftover dishes from the night before.

“Just put those in the dishwasher, Chanyeol! We don’t have time!”

The voice registers as Kyungsoo in his mind before he quickly places the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and then slips on his jacket and shoes. He makes sure to grab his earbuds, phone, charger, and portable charger before all nine of them plus their manager slip out of the dorm and head to the arena for soundcheck.

The car ride was short, or at least it seemed short because Chanyeol played surgery games on his phone to distract himself. They all pile out the car when it parked outside the arena.

As Chanyeol now walks down the halls with his members, they are being handed all their necessary items for the soundcheck. They’re told which songs they’re going to practice then reminded to take a break when it is noon so they can eat, relax, and reenergize.

The soundcheck and break go by in a blur; everything meshes together and Chanyeol doesn’t necessarily feel energized, but that’s okay. He can fake it for now.

In no time, they’re in their clothes for the concert and ready to perform. Some members jump up and down, stretching and doing quick vocal practices while the concert intro video plays before the audience. Chanyeol takes a quick peek and catches some _Happy Birthday Chanyeol_  and _Chanyeol Day_  signs. Warmth swirls in his chest; if the members don’t remember or care, at least the audience does.

 

Chanyeol isn’t sure when the show actually began (he’s getting mad at himself for not paying attention to the small details; he won’t be able to remember the concert) but he has fun. He wasn’t hyped up thinking about doing the show, but now, as he looks out into the crowd, he smiles and waves out to the fans. Some send him hearts and he returns the favor.

At one point a fan throws a Zootopia mask on stage, which he picks up and pulls over his head. He walks around on stage with the mask on while the others talk about something he doesn’t give two honest to god shits about. Chanyeol starts messing with Kyungsoo, trying to get a reaction from him when the mask is yanked off from his head. He was going to try and take it back, but he notices the table with the cake and his members’ faces with smiles. Oh yeah, their managers schedule in a happy birthday surprise for him. So even if his members didn’t forget, maybe they actually don’t care.

It doesn’t make him feel better, maybe it makes him feel worse. If they had forgotten, they might’ve at least cared when they were reminded, but if they don’t care, they knew about his birthday and feel indifferent.

Yet Chanyeol is pulled from his thoughts as Kyungsoo tugs him toward the birthday cake that has CHANYEOL 25 HAPPY BIRTHDAY displayed on it. A big knife is handed to him and Chanyeol vaguely hears, “Cut the cake!”

He does, with a struggle, since he just hacks into the cake with the knife. The knife must’ve been a little dull for safety precautions, but couldn’t they have at least made it easier to cut into?

Eventually, he gives up and walks away while pulling the Nick Wilde mask back on before dancing to lighten the mood a little more. Kyungsoo kicks him, and _god_  it actually fucking hurts, but Chanyeol pulls off his mask, laughing it off. He doesn’t want to give the impression that he feels so terrible for expecting nothing to happen today.

The rest of the concert goes by in a blur and they’re back at the hotel. He’s rooming alone but the members barge in with a wine bottle in hand. They cheer, “Happy birthday Chanyeol!!”

 

So, maybe they do care. Or they’re pretending to care, because why would they care about him? He’s nothing special, he’s annoying and obnoxious like he’s been told numerous times when they were all individually upset with him. However, he doesn’t think about it. He drinks wine with them and they actually have gifts for him. One of them (the wine made him forget) gifts him a Moomin toy. It sings and rotates. Perhaps he had too much to drink because soon he’s crying over the toy then he starts weeping entirely, apologizing to his members.

They don’t understand anything he’s saying since he’s drunk, but they let him continue. Kyungsoo, Yixing, and Jongin hold him in a hug while everyone else rubs or pats him comfortingly. Chanyeol babbles about how he’s a terrible member and that he should be kicked out of the group, that he doesn’t deserve to be in EXO. He’s a piece a shit, he’s a lazy and dumb motherfucker.

Chanyeol cries more when he feels more members coming to hug him. He wants to yell, shout that they don’t care about him. They don’t give a fuck about him. He should be left alone, they should abandon him because he’s so terrible. He’s the worst.

Soon, exhaustion reaches him since he’s cried for so long. When he wakes up in the middle of the night to go pee, he’s still surrounded by them. Chanyeol’s head and eyes hurt so bad. What exactly happened? All he remembers is crying...and the Moomin toy. Did someone throw the toy at him? He’ll ask later on when someone else is awake. Right now he has to pee.


End file.
